My whole life I have struggled with an eating disorder.
I was hiding food underneath my bed since before I was five years old.
I have spent countless hours obsessing and compuls-ing ever since.
Confused by bodily messages of scarcity and the labelling some foods as “good” and others as “bad”; I developed a complicated relationship with food.
Food quickly transformed into message of love but a vehicle of abuse.
I do not blame anyone in my family, or my childhood for the programming that went down in my little brain at a young age.
This was bound to happen anyway.
Now throw in the cultural beauty expectations placed upon the modern woman and a perfect storm is brewing.
Diet-culture and the pressure to be perfect seduced my over-active mind into relentlessly researching avenues to change my body and fit the mold.
The Food Industry… let’s not get started on the Food Industry (just yet) because for now the message is simply: it was not my fault how I got here; it is time to let go of the destructive patterns that allow me to stay here.
It is time to stop dieting and start loving every inch of my body and my personality, unconditionally.
It is through this unconditional self-love that transformation occurs.
I have created a body and life that I love.
In my body I am free to move, to express, to be.
For to practice the art of human-being is my soul’s ultimate desire.
Despite all this, the child inside of me begs me to prove to her that we are sincerely safe. She begs me to recreate the feeling of security that she was searching for all along. She still feels the sting of social comparison.
She is telling me to listen my emotions and learn to use my voice.
This body, this life carries the message that wherever you stand on your journey with food: recovery is possible.
Keep Reading, Keep Feeling; you will find this too.
Tell me this any of two years ago and I would not have believed.
But my soul would have listened between the words.
Countless times I sat on the kitchen floor after an extravagant binge. Head spinning and eyes bloodshot; countless times I achieved the state of non-feeling that I was looking for. Such Satisfaction.
Countless times I got back on the bandwagon, ready to lose the next ten pounds.
Ceaseless mornings I woke up early to burn off all the extra calories that I had previously stuffed. Running miles, climbing mountains and literally even running an Ironman Triathlon.
All in the name of the next goal, all in the search of inner peace.
Inner peace as it turns out may or may not come in the form of chocolate.
I am not going to lie and say that it has nothing with the way that we feed our bodies. Neither will I tell you that our contentment in our own skin has nothing to do with our contentment in life.
It is absolutely essential that we come to love and accept our bodies as they are: spots, wrinkles and love-handles — if we are to get a handle on love.
How we nourish our physical bodies is extremely important.
How we nourish our emotional bodies is also extremely important.
and Finally, How we nourish our spiritual bodies is equally important .
I am sitting at a cross-roads.
Years of dieting has stressed my body to the point of exhaustion.
My body still refuses to menstruate.
My hormones refuse to regulate; my blood sugars are dangerously confused.
It looks like I have given myself a form of pre-diabetes; insulin resistance from the cyclic acts of binging and restricting.
Even though my body looks like it is happy and healthy, my blood panel tells a different story.
How can I incorporate self-loving practices into the healing of my body as a release the diet mentality and embrace the idea of Health-At-Every-Size ?
Watch and listen as I encounter prejudices, illness and industry as a woman on her own journey with food.
I know that I can heal. I know that I-am-possible.